


Magnus Rushes Out

by saccharinepeccadillo



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, OOC, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, depressed Magnus, gross misunderstanding of how planes and death work in d&d canon, references to Julia, thats not how planes work, thats not how the astral plane works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 01:12:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11070945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saccharinepeccadillo/pseuds/saccharinepeccadillo
Summary: When people ask him, or get a little too worried, he confidently would reassure them that he wasn't suicidal, but more that he just didn't care about whether he died or not. (He was suicidal, god knows he was.)(Or: the one where Magnus attempts suicide and the author doesnt know even shitfuck about how the planes of existence work, some good ol' mags and krav bonding time i guess)





	Magnus Rushes Out

If there was one thing Magnus was known most for, it would be rushing into things. It didn't matter what it was, consistently and without fail he would act before thinking. A lot of people thought of it as brave or heroic. In private, Magnus knew it as a death wish.  
When people ask him, or get a little too worried, he confidently would reassure them that he wasn't suicidal, but more that he just didn't care about whether he died or not. (He was suicidal, god knows he was.) Magnus viewed dying as a relief of sorts, he would get to see Julia, his beautiful, strong and brave wife Julia, and he would finally be able to truly rest, a leisure he couldn't afford while living. He would rationalize that being alive was fine (it wasn't, not for him), but so was dying. He only knew responsibility at this point.  
It takes them a while, but Merle and Taako start to catch on. One night, when hammered, things take an unfortunate turn, and the pair start to ask him painful questions. "Do you have a plan? Do you fantasize about it? Is there anything we can do to help you?" The yeses dangle on Magnus' tongue, but he swallows them thickly and chuckles out a "no", a "I'm fine", a "let's talk about something else". The next morning, the three of them pretend to forget.  
\---

One thing of note about Magnus' skin was the preposterous number of scars decorating his body. It wasn't uncommon for fighters to get scraped up, taking most, if not all the damage for the entire party. Taako would often teasingly coo over them, exclaiming how handsome and rugged they made Magnus look. Magnus would grin and pose, telling the stories of each different scar.  
There were always certain scars Magnus would pass over, ones that looked a little too straight and clean, and Taako would notice every time, but never say anything.  
\---

Every once and a while something would cause him to dwell on the past and on events he would rather just shove into the back of his mind. Large groups of people walking past and laughing, a poorly timed or snarky joke that strikes a chord in him, even the smallest things seemed to set him off and send him reeling. Memories of fists and feet, of jeers, of tight yet open spaces, of being left to lay in the dust after the abuse had past, but the bruises and the words never passed. He could usually power through it, ignoring the feelings of worthlessness and his fears of being an outcast, in favor of carpentry or training. This time though, it hit him hard and fast. While eating lunch, a group of what he assumed were regulators pass by, laughing. They glanced his way, the laughed again before walking off. It was such a simple action that could have meant nothing, but before Magnus realized what he was doing he was in the bathroom by the dining hall, reliving one of the many traumas that plagued his mind.  
(He had been walking home from the market when a group of children his age spotted him. Before he could hurry away, they called out. "Magnus! Hey, freak!" He had tried to walk faster. "Stupid, ugly, fat-ass Magnus! Not even dogs like you!" He had wanted to scream back about how he had a dog at home, a beautiful border collie who licked his face whenever she saw him and who laid in his lap as he cried, but he kept his mouth shut, knowing that his peers would try to kill his dog, just like they had the stray one. The children began throwing sharp rocks at him, hitting his arms and back as he clutched the bread tightly to his chest and sprinted the rest of the way home. His dog was there to greet him, and she laid by his side for the rest of the night as he clung to her and wailed.)  
Magnus heard the door to the bathroom open and he held his breath, hoping that whoever it was would be quick and leave. Unfortunately, the clicking of small, light feet stopped right outside of the stall Magnus was in, and Angus' quivering voice echoed around the bathroom. "Sir?" Magnus tried to stay as still as possible, hoping against hope that Angus would leave without any further investigating. "Sir, they weren't laughing at you, you know." Magnus elected to not respond to that. How did Angus know? Why was he doing this? "Please come back out sir, we all miss you an awful lot and are all worried about you." Angus paused. "I'll protect you from whatever, or maybe whoever? Is scaring you. I promise, sir." Magnus let out a humorless snort. How can Angus protect him from himself? Despite feeling panicked, Magnus' voice came out confident. "I'm fine, Ango."  
"Sir, I am the world’s greatest detective, don't even try to lie to me because it will just make it worse for the both of us." Angus' voice was almost cold, but his bravado poorly masked his underlying fear. Magnus sighed and opened the door. Worry was etched deeply into Angus' face, and he was holding his hand out towards Magnus.  
Magnus felt a sudden surge of anger rise within him, and suddenly, he wasn't Magnus anymore. Angus was. Little Angus, who was always trying to help everyone, always trying to be the hero and be everyone's friend, despite the constant ridicule and rejection he faced. Magnus pushed Angus' hand away a little too roughly, but as the startled and now fearful Angus took a few steps away from Magnus, Magnus barreled angrily towards the door. "Angus, tell everyone that I got sick and went to my room."  
When Taako stopped by Magnus' room later that night offering him a pot of tea ("I used a blend that helps with nausea hun', I think you'll like it, it's rather delicious too,") he was met with silence.  
\---

He found himself in the astral plane with Kravitz. His face was a skull when Magnus first looked up towards him, but as Magnus stared at him waiting for his release, Kravitz’s face turned back into its handsome human form. He didn’t seem stunned, but he did seem to harbor some sort of shock. Magnus couldn’t find it in himself to care, but as the silence dragged on he became irritated.  
“Well come on Kravitz, take me away, or whatever it is you do.” Kravitz didn’t respond, only seeming to stare at him with a sorrowful expression. “This can’t be the first time someone’s uh… come to you like this.” Kravitz let his scythe dissipate and grabbed his stone of far speech in its wake. “Magnus, you’re not gonna like this but I’m making an executive decision. It’s not your time yet.” Magnus felt the blood drain from his face.  
“What? No, that’s not how this works, you were just coming after us trying to fucking kill us. You can’t just disobey the Raven Queen, or whatever her name is.”  
“I wasn’t trying to kill you, I was trying to make you stay dead. And it seems I’ve gotten pretty fond of you habit of immortality.” Kravitz brought the stone up to his lips, his hands shaking slightly. “Taako, it’s urgent. I need you to get into Magnus’ bathroom, don’t waste any time.” Taako’s voice came back crackly, yet still understandable. “Magnus’ bathroom? Pretty kinky.” It dawned on Magnus what Kravitz was trying to do, anger and panic, but most of all betrayal, bubbling up. “Kravitz, don’t you dare.” There was a pause from the other end. “Kravitz, is that Magnus?” Taako sounded scared, legitimately scared, and Magnus never wanted to hear him sound like that again. “Babe, what is he doing with you?” Kravitz was staring at Magnus with sadness and pity, adding to Magnus’ rage. “Taako, please hurry.” With that, any sense of calmness in Magnus shattered. He angrily crowded around Kravitz, picking him up by the front of his shirt and bringing him close until he was centimeters away from his face. Magnus thought he might have seen a flash of fear in Kravitz’s eyes before being quickly masked again by a sea of calm formality. Magnus snarled animalistically. “You’re going to let me see my wife. And you’re going to let me see her right now.” Kravitz shook his head weakly.  
Magnus was kneeling over Kravitz, slamming his fists into every window of flesh he could find and screaming inhumanly. He was grabbing Kravitz shoulders and smashing them down onto the floor again and again, and beyond the blur of tears in his eyes he sees Kravitz become red and slick with blood. Magnus could hear Taako screaming from the stone of farspeech, but Kravitz was solely focused on Magnus. Realizing that Kravitz was not fighting back, Magnus stilled, and Kravitz slowly brought his hands up to soothingly caress Magnus’ large forearms. He watched as fat teardrops fell and mixed with the blood covering Kravitz, and sobs violently wracked through Magnus’ body. “I just want to see her… Please, don’t make me go back. I’ve waited for so long…”  
They both heard fabric being ripped, and Magnus looked up to see a human sized tear leading to the outer planes. He immediately tried to bolt towards it, but Kravitz quickly and painfully tightened his grip on Magnus, bruising his arms. He started screaming again and thrashed around in an attempt to break free, reaching in vain for the tear that was starting to close again. Kravitz wrestled with Magnus, eventually getting the upper hand and dragging him away from the tear. Magnus tried to bite down on one of Kravitz’s arms, but Kravitz did not flinch, and kept on murmuring reassurances and apologies to Magnus that fell on deaf ears.  
Eventually, Magnus ran out of steam. Kravitz was holding him in his cold arms, cradling him against his chest as Magnus shook and wept. As Magnus began to take note of his surroundings again, he realized that they were in the bureaus hospital wing, sitting next to an occupied bed. Many material beings surrounded it, most of them clerics, but three figures stood out to Magnus in particular. The first was Lucretia, pale and shaking but not yet crying, clutching her torso as if she was about to physically fall apart. The second was Merle, hunched over the figure on the bed and muttering curses between his spells, his healing magics being the brightest and most noticeable in the room. The last was Taako, who was kneeling beside the bed with the upper half of his body thrown over the figure dramatically. Magnus had never seen Taako this truly devastated, as the elf prided himself in his aloofness and apathy. Despite not being able to see his face, his knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping the figures clothing, and his body trembled.  
Magnus felt Kravitz shift his body slightly, and he looked up to see the reaper frowning at the scene in front of them. “You always were a fighter. That’s what I respect the most about you, I think.” Kravitz started to rub Magnus’ back soothingly. “You have to understand, Magnus, being dead is so much more different. There are different rules, different customs. I don’t…” Kravitz looked down at Magnus, judging his face for a second. “I don’t think it’s really an environment suited for someone like you.” Magnus glared back at him bitterly, feeling some of the fire in him from earlier roar back up again.  
“I don’t care.” He spat it out, hoping it would somehow offend Kravitz enough to make him kill Magnus’ out of spite. There was no reply. “I don’t want to see all my friends sobbing over me, don’t try to fucking guilt me into changing my mind just because you want to be some kind of savior for once.” Kravitz moved his hand up to Magnus’ scalp, running his long fingers over it calmly. “Magnus, I’m not trying to guilt you. It’s just that we need to wait for your body to be ready for you again.”  
“So I have no say in this.” Kravitz sighed and pulled his hand away. Magnus wanted him to put it back, but was too stubborn and angry at him to say anything. “If you really want to leave, you can. But if you had truly wanted to leave, I would not have been able to stop you in the first place.” Magnus’ breath hitched, and he buried his face into Kravitz’s chest.  
“I don’t know.” Kravitz didn’t say anything, only hugging Magnus’ closer. “I just want to stop hurting. I just want to see Julia. I don’t want any more shitty responsibilities. I just want to feel normal again, and happy again, and-“ Magnus choked out a sob and started to cough. “I don’t know what I want. Just make it stop, Kravitz. Please.”  
There was a commotion by the door, and as the pair looked up they saw Angus McDonald burst through a thicket of personnel who had been trying to keep him from entering. Taako was the first to act, leaping up and running towards Angus, yelling at him to not look. Angus spotted the figure and froze, falling to his knees, his face a mask of grief and anguish. Taako reached Angus and scooped him up into his arms, cooing at him and turning so that Angus was no longer facing the body. “I think,” Kravitz whispered, “Angus knows.”  
Magnus gazed solemnly at the scene in front of him. Taako, in yet another rare show of emotion, was hugging Angus fiercely, swaying back and forth slightly as if rocking a baby to sleep. He was staring at the figure on the bed, and tears started to run down his face, flashing in the light against his ruddy cheeks. Angus had started to sob, body shaking as if was going to fall apart any second, and Taako visibly tightened his hold on the boy. Taako anxiously glanced down at his stone of farspeech, and Magnus noticed he was muttering something. As Magnus began to decipher his lip movements, he realized he was chanting “please” desperately. Magnus felt cold and sick.  
“They’ll ridicule me. They’ll think I’m weak, or sick, or annoying. They’ll all hate me.”  
“I cannot believe how wrong you are.” The coldness of Kravitz voice sent a fearful chill through Magnus. “You might be the bravest person I know. Magnus, these people, they love you. They all love you so much and you don’t even know.” Magnus felt a sinking feeling, the feeling you get when you know you’re going to lose a battle. “Nothing will change, will it?” Kravitz stood up and brushed his suit with his hands a couple times before extending a hand towards Magnus. “That really depends on your actions from now on.” Magnus let himself be helped up, leaning against Kravitz and trying to soak up as much of his chill into his suddenly too hot body. “Kravitz, I’m scared.” The reaper took Magnus’ hand gently, lovingly. “You can’t be brave without being scared first, yeah?”  
The pair walked hand in hand towards the body on the bed, and Magnus let himself be sucked back in.  
\---

Taako was glaring at Magnus’ body when it happened. The dead body was suddenly not dead anymore, but instead shuddered and gasped for air like a man drowned. Angus was put of Taako’s arms before Taako even had time to realize what had happened, sprinting towards Magnus and flinging himself up onto the bed. Despite Magnus desperately struggling for air and coughing violently, the two of them hold onto each other tightly, Magnus trying to comfort Angus between labored breaths. Merle was the next to react, hugging Magnus’ arm tightly and trying to hide his tears in his sleeve. Lucretia, who had covered her mouth with her hands upon Magnus’ miraculous recovery, reached down with one hand and gripped Magnus’, squeezing it like a lifeline.  
All of Taako’s instincts were telling him to run and hide. He always said he didn’t “do emotions”, and usually he would have either bolted by now, but this was different. This was one of his closest friends, and if it hadn’t been for Taako acting on his emotions as quickly and as fiercely as he did, he wouldn’t be alive. Shyly and oh so slowly, Taako made his way over to the bed. As he came to a stop, everyone paused and looked up at him. Taako couldn’t tear his eyes off of Magnus, still reeling from the situation. “Magnus Burnsides, you are the biggest fucking idiot I have ever met.” The tears Taako had been trying to hold back came flooding out again. When Magnus opened the arm not occupied by Angus in an invitation, Taako dove forward and buried his face in Magnus’ neck.


End file.
